A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Remakes are the financial blood that runs through Hollywood’s veins. It’s smart because if they weren’t making direct remakes they would still be making unoriginal shit, but at least this way they get the added cache that comes with using the same titles and characters. But in some cases the originals of things are so iconic that I think they could make more money buy just re-releasing the original in theaters again. It’s a novel idea that I can’t imagine why Hollywood won’t at least try; it would literally cost them nothing. But I guess it would put a lot of people out of work so it’s probably a bad idea. So now they remade the Freddy Krueger movie. Surprisingly I wasn’t as offended by it as I was with the Rob Zombie “Halloween” shit-astrophy. It was entertaining, but it was definitely not the original.

So if you’ve never seen a Freddy movie then I’m about to spoil it for you, but I don’t really know how you can spoil a remake. Anyway, Freddy was a guy who liked to kill children. That was his serial killing fetish so to speak. So one day some parents get fed up with his bullshit and they burn him alive. Then Freddy returns to haunt the nightmares of their children, and he has the supernatural ability to kill people from within their dreams and also be quite hilarious. The best Freddy movie is the ultra-meta “New Nightmare” sequel in which Freddy comes out of the movie into the real world (awesome). But enough of the history lesson, lets talk about this movie. Again, let me state that I didn’t think this movie was terrible, but I am about to tell you everything that’s wrong with it so it may seem that way. I guess the reason I didn’t mind it as much as the “Halloween” crap-tacular is because to me the original “Halloween” is a perfect movie, and you can’t mess with perfection.

So let’s start with Freddy himself, in this film portrayed by Jackie Earle Haley. Jackie Earle Haley, aside from having a name that’s fun to say, is an incredible actor. However in this film he is inhibited by the terrible makeup. In the original film, Freddy is horribly and grossly scared and it’s sickening to look at, but at least you can see his face. In this film he just looks like a real burn victim which is sad not scary and erases his facial features and expressions. Toward the end Freddy gets a little funny, but I wanted the film to be even funnier. The film takes itself entirely too seriously. Another thing is that these kids were supposed to be born in the nineties but all the flashbacks look like they take place in the seventies. Kids in the nineties didn’t wear clothes like that!! I should know, that’s when I was a kid!! And another thing, how come no one was fucking in this movie? All the teens are supposed to do it, you get to see some boobs and then they die, that’s how these movies work!! Also, what the fuck is a micro-nap? Whoever wrote this movie was taking a micro-nap.

Another thing they changed is that they made Freddy a molester instead of a child killer. I guess that’s an interesting choice considering we live in the post-to-catch-a-predator world, but that changes everything. If he’s a child killer it makes sense that he would want to kill the children as revenge, but if he’s a molester… well molesters aren’t necessarily depraved enough to kill. He should have gotten revenge by molesting them… but that doesn’t make sense either because he wouldn’t be attracted to them anymore because they are all grown up. I could have avoided having to think that through if they just kept him as a killer, but fuck it if I can suspend my disbelief enough that a man can kill you in your dreams I guess it doesn’t really matter if he molests kids or just kills them; maybe next time if we’re lucky he will do both. The ending doesn’t really make any sense either. I think that’s all I have to say about this movie, I’m exhausted just thinking about it.